Downward Spiral
by starlightandseaglass
Summary: He glances down at her body, remembering the Marlene he knew, with dark clothes and bright lipstick and wild eyes and all he can say for sure is he misses her like hell. Blackinnon.


**Summary: "He glances down at her body, remembering the Marlene he knew, with dark clothes and bright lipstick and wild eyes and all he can say for sure is he misses her like hell.****" Angsty Blackinnon.**

**Warnings: Character death, light swearing.**

"There's no way around grief and loss: you can dodge all you want, but sooner or later you just have to go into it, through it, and, hopefully, come out the other side. The world you find there will never be the same as the world you left."― Johnny Cash

He sits in the front row at her funeral, in the spot reserved for family, because everyone who was family to her is being buried along with her. He wonders how he got given such a seat and is pretty sure it's because Lily and James, who were much closer to Marlene then he ever was, are too scared to leave him alone.

He watches them, Lily crying into James' shoulder and him with his arm around her holding baby Harry to his chest and decides that he hates them, just a little bit, because even after everything they're still the same people they were three years ago, drawing strength from each other. And he's never had anyone to hold him together, but now he doesn't have anyone to fall apart with either, and he's spiraling out of control, lost in a sea of emotions he can't even begin to comprehend.

He doesn't know why he misses her so much. He didn't like her. He's pretty sure he hated her, actually. She mocked him and taunted him and tore him apart, reminding him of his past and the fact he still has Black blood running through his veins. She infuriated him, drew out the broken, angry, miserable side of Sirius Black he rarely let the Marauders see, because he couldn't burden them with it. He guesses in a way she knew him better than anyone because he had let her see him at his best and his worse and she didn't care because he saw her broken and defeated too.

He glances at James and Lily again, watching Gideon Prewett speak about the McKinnons, about Marlene, with teary eyes, and Sirius wants to laugh, because Marlene wasn't cheery or noble or any of the other shit Gideon's saying. Not anymore. He's remembering eighteen year old Marlene, fresh out of Hogwarts and ready to take on the world. Not the Marlene from two years later, who knew they were fighting a losing battle, the Marlene he would find at a bar after someone died, drinking away her memories of them, the Marlene who took down Death Eaters with horrifying vengeance, the Marlene who was determined that if this war was going to have any more casualties, it should be her rather than anyone else. That Marlene was crazy and wild and self-destructive and he thinks he loved her just a little bit for it, because she had that darkness inside of her that he knows is inside of him and she helped him channel it so it didn't hurt anyone but the two of them.

He glances up, wondering when the stupid memorial service will be over so he can go to that stupid muggle bar she always dragged him to so he can drink away his memories of her like she did for every other casualty of this godforsaken war. To his surprise it's over already, and people are filing out, or standing solemnly around her open casket paying their respects. For some reason, he finds himself staying in his seat, muttering to James that he's fine and that he'll see him later.

The room slowly empties and he walks to her casket, gazing down at her lifeless body. She doesn't look like herself. This Marlene wears a white lace dress with subtle makeup and a serene smile painted on her lips. Her golden hair shines and is arranged carefully over her shoulders.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a tube of dark red lipstick and places them in her hands. "You left these at my place." He whispers, surprised to find that his voice wavers.

"You're still here." A voice says from behind him, and he turns to find Gideon Prewett watching him.

"So are you." He's not surprised really. The man loved Marlene before she broke, before she became the wild, crazy mess Sirius knew, and he's never heard the full story, but he knows Gideon had something to do with Marlene becoming that person and he's pretty sure Gideon knows it too.

He's not sure what he expects Gideon to say, but it's not, "Did you love her?"

He wants to say no, that he didn't even like her, that he couldn't possibly have loved her, but the words get caught in his throat. He glances down at her body, remembering the Marlene he knew, with dark clothes and bright lipstick and wild eyes and all he can say for sure is he misses her like hell.

"Maybe," He whispers finally, and a single tear slips down his cheek.

**Challenges/Prompts:**

**A Variety of Prompts Challenge (HPFC) -** Minor Characters: Gideon Prewett and Occasion: Funeral.

**Greek Mythology Mega Prompt Challenge (HPFC) - **Muses: Write a tragic story. Alt; write a romance story.

**The "As Many As You Want" Comp (HPFC) - **Prompts: OTP (blackinnon), James/Lily, lips, memorial, Lily, love, lace dress, Sirius Black, gold.

***2015* New Years Millionaire Fanfiction Resolutions and Goals Competitions (HPFC) -** Resolution: Write about part of your OTP dying. $500

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Challenges and Assignments) - **Herbology. Assignment 9. Prompt: Write about the death of a character's loved one. 700-4500 words.

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Challenges and Assignments) –** Gringotts Prompts Bank. Prompts: Blackinnon, death, grief, and the quote.


End file.
